Teen Priest

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Closer Look: Teen Priest

By: Dr. Dos
Published: Oct. 20, 2017

All Teen Cops Are Bastards. A lot of content warnings in this overshadowed and oh-so-edgy adventure

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Are you all ready? You get plenty of time to wait. It takes a long time for the first person to show up.

  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •
...As the first "customer" sits down, you
turn on your bugging device.

Guy: "...Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned. The last time I went to confession
was ... a year ago."

Uh-huh. Spill your guts.

Guy: "Wha...? err, ok. Well, im a single
guy, living all alone...generally rejected
by women all over the place. So im really
lonely, i guess."

Get to the point, uhh....my son.

Guy: "Well...ok. I was visiting my aunt
Becky's farm in Ohio. I went out to feed
the chickens...when THEN i realized how
lonely i had been."


Guy: "Father, I impaled a chicken."

You wha...?

Guy: "Four chickens, actually. No, three.
One survived, but was crippled."

Ok. Let me get this straight. You go to
your aunt's farm...start whining to
yourself how horny you are, when the
chicken suddenly gives you a boner. And
that's when you do the deed.

Guy: "Yeah. I just took the chickens under
my arms and ran to the outhouse."

So you fornicated with a couple of
chickens in an outhouse...?

Guy: "Yes, Father. Can you give me some

What, sex tips?

Guy: "No, no! How to resist...temptation."

Stay away from chickens. No matter what.
Dead, alive, fried, roasted...keep away
from them like your life depended on it.

Guy: "Ok..."

Get outta here. I forgive you...let's
just hope God does.

Guy: "Penance?"

'Scuse me?

Guy: "My penance."

Ahh, your penance. Lesse, uhh...pray to
GOD that people from the ASPCA dont
picket your house. Go now. Impale small,
helpless farm animals no more.
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

Right. So the first guy had sex with some chickens.


Johnny's private judgment boils down to just one word.

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Old woman: "Forgive, me Father. I have

Why else would you be here?

Old woman: "Yes, well...last time i went
to confess was two days ago."

Two days?

Old woman: "Yes."

Only two days? Dammit, you couldn't
possibly have sinned so fast!

Old woman: "Oh, I have...this morning,
when driving my grandson to school, i got
hit by a garbage truck. And after my car
had flipped over, I yelled, 'fuck!'."

Good for you.

Old woman: "Wha? I've sinned, father!"

Where? did i miss something?

Old woman: "I...used profanity."

God dammit, woman! Come back when you get
some REAL sins!!

Old woman: "Why, i NEVER...!!"

Maybe that's why you're so uptight. Now
get outta here!

Old woman: "Ive never been so insulted..."

You crusty old fuckin' hag, go! There, is
that better?

Old woman: >>pants heavily<<
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

Next up is a woman who gets the opposite decree.

  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •
Man: "Listen, maaan. I need help."

So why you tellin' me?

Man: "Please. Just listen to my problem."

That's what i have been assigned to do...
my whole dreary existence has been to
listen to other people's problems...
forgiving people's unforgivable sins...
bastards who do the lowest of lows, then
expect absolution from a higher hand...
the hand that feeds them, which they try
to gnaw off all the way to its bony
stump...err, go on.

Man: "I'm so depressed..."


Man: "Huh?"

Dammit, why are you depressed?


...far from it.

Man: "I wanna kill myself...in fact, I
planned that tomorrow im gonna throw
myself off the Eager Beaver building...you
know, like that guy who got shot off by
the cop, on the news."


Man: "What should i do?"

...Why should i care? you wanna kill
yourself? go ahead.

Man: "You're ENCOURAGING i jump off a

...Actually, i think you oughta try...
Well, i suggest the book "Final Exit" by
Dr. Kevorkian. Read it, it's rather good.
it tells you why suicide is bad. Followed
by a couple hundred methods of

Man: "Umm...ok."

...Just $15.99 paperback at Borders.
Guaranteed there or its free!**

Man: "ok...err, thanks. i will!"
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

And lastly we get the suicidal individual who Johnny is definitely on board with.

Needless to say, the confessional scene's shock humor was a lot more palatable in the 90s.


All that and Johnny's no closer to learning anything about the mysterious killer Juda.

Johnny heads back to the abbey, takes off his clothes, and heads to bed. Who knows what's in store for tomorrow?


Rise and shine.


With no idea what Johnny's schedule is supposed to be for the day, I head on into the church to either give mass or look at the schedule.


No mass on Friday though. Instead there's some charity work to be done and then another confession...


Taking a look at the copy machine lets Johnny duplicate the teaching license found the other day, and also reveal that it's a fake! Father O'Flarrety is a fraud?


Johnny drives on down to the local Quickie. (Whoops I forgot to pick up the money mentioned on the schedule.)

Of note is where the player is placed when they arrive on this board. The car door is open and they get to step out of the vehicle and towards the store. Any player who is trying to follow along with the intended gameplay will do just that. At the same time though, that dark blue tile above the player's starting point is actually a passage to the next board. If you pay close enough attention you can totally skip this board, but unless you're trying to break the game, I'm pretty confident nobody ever actually would.


Ha ha it's our old pal "very foreign convenient store owner who speaks only broken English". Yes, excellent. Good.


Srini doesn't want to have anything to do with this.


He's a cool guy though. He smokes weed.

Anyway, he'll tell Johnny that there's some on the shelf.


Johnny is not a sympathetic character.


Grabbing the canned food results in the only other customer getting in line to make her purchase.

old lady
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •
Srini: "No food stamps! We no food stamps,
no no no!"

Old lady: "Oh, why not? Look, ive got just
enough food stamps..."

Srini: "You got cash? cash is king. we no
food stamps. cash is king."

Old lady: "i DO have cash, but i dont want
to squander it. I'm saving up to buy my
grandson a--"

Srini: "we no food stamps! cash is king!
we no food stamps!!"

Old lady: "oh, why no--"


Listen, old lady. I just wanna buy this
and leave. mind if i cut in?

old lady: "Yes."

Thank y...i mean, wha?

old lady: "i was here first."

look, this'll only take a sec.

old lady: "Bug off, Father!!"

look, if you're buying a whole--

you take a glance at what she is buying.
she seems to have a rather large bag, and
in it a few brown leather straps. Is she
in s & m or what...?

old lady: "get away from my bag!!"

old lady: "That's it. I'm leaving this
place. I set you loose as sheep amongst

who, me?

Srini: "me, who?"

Without another word, the old lady storms
out of the quickie mart.

Srini: "Lady! you did not pay for that!
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

Retail is absolutely terrible by the way. The old woman runs off as soon as Johnny takes a look at her bag giving him the chance to buy his canned food and get the hell out.


Except as I mentioned, I kind of forgot to pick up the money. This puts the game in an unwinnable state since there's no way back to the church if you left unprepared. On the one hand, I am not a fan of the game trapping me like this, but on the other it explicitly told me to take the money and where it could be found and I completely ignored it.


With the money in hand this time, Johnny can buy the food, waste tons of cash, and head to the food bank.


There are a few of the local homeless waiting around outside, all either written to be angry or written to be horny.

food woman
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Well. this food drive lady is pretty hot!
From her double d's, gorgeous figure, to
her legs that go all the way up...one hell
of a package.

I, err...I've got food for your hobo's.

Lady: "Well, thank you! ...Have any idea
where Father O'Flarrety is?"

Oh, he's busy doing other stuff. So im
just helping out.

Lady: "Ahh, well. That's nice."

Anyhow, umm...what's your name?

Lady: "Purity. And you?"

Purity...hmm...oh, me? I'm Father Danger.
but you can call me papa...i mean...
Johnny. Just call me Johnny.

Lady: "Ok...Johnny..."

Say...you busy tomorrow night?

Lady: "It depends...why do you ask?"

Go ahead, Johnny. Captivate her with your
entrancing way of words.

Your bosoms remind me of the star-struck
pyramids of Egypt...

Lady: "Wha?"

Listen...I'd be willing to leave the
priesthood just for you...

Lady: "What the fuck is this?"

My mind calls it love...but my libido

Lady: "...You're drooling."


Lady: "I, umm...leave...I...I think i'll
go run this food by the boss."

Hurry back, love buns!

Lady: "agh..."

Good job, Johnny. You scared her away.

Did not.

Ahh, who cares. doesnt like she'll be back
any time soon...maybe you should just
head back.

  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

Johnny sexually harasses her immediately. The can is donated and it's time to head back and pretend none of this ever happened, but suddenly the homeless begin to attack Johnny's ride!

lead hobo
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The bum proceeds to land a blow to your
car's windshield, launching shattered
pieces of glass all over.

Son of a bitch...! That's it, pal. You
die now.

You whip out your loaded piece and point
it in his face. You are about to pull the
trigger when you remember the Lieutenant's

Pansy: "...One more unprovoked kill, and
you're off the force."

You lower the gun and place it back under
your habit.

Bum: "OOH! padre's got a piece!"

Ok, pal. I'll make you a deal. You leave
now, and i dont fuck you up.

Bum: Bwa ha ha!

He raises his stick and begins bashing on
your car...
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

Johnny is very much ready to kill somebody for property damage, but has a change of heart wants to keep his job as a cop.


Entering the car's passage suddenly leads to the leader of this homeless crew to try to run Johnny down with his car. Johnny, previously on a wide street runs down an alley and immediately traps himself.


I save my game.


And am nearly immediately killed. This scene gives you no time to get your bearings.


After a few attempts I make it to this tiny alcove at the end of the alleyway, and am still killed despite the car objects never actually running into me.


The safe spot you're intended to stand in is over here. You can also see the deformation of the car as ZZT cannot handle smooth animation for blocks of objects like this.


  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •
You jump and duck into a corner as the
hobo crashes the low-rider, his head being
ripped off by whiplash. You walk over and
pull the dead hobo's body, while the head
seems to roll down the alleyway by itself.
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

The car crashes and Johnny is safe. The driver, not so much.


There's a prompt on whether or not the player wants to leave, but there's nothing else to actually do which makes it a bit odd.


Johnny is now forced to walk through the bad part of town in order to get back to church. Another homeless person immediately begins attacking. Father Danger is getting a reputation here.

For a second I thought to myself, "surely even if it's bad public transit there must be some alternative to walking", but then I realized Johnny has no money. Then I realized the reason he has no money is because he spent $100 on a single can of food as he doesn't give two shits about anything, whether it be money or the hungry.

Johnny is a bad cop and I do not like him.


Using the abandoned car lets Johnny evade the latest person who wants him dead.

Also look at this little detail here where the player gets to idly witness a shooting!


Credit where it's due, Draco did a fine job illustrating how dangerous this part of town is.


The next board is a cutscene on a board identical to the previous except without the car or telephone pole, and with the sidewalk now fully intact.

  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •
As soon as you escape the deadly bum,

more problems arise. You are confronted by

bad-ass Juan and his gang.

Juan: "Hey, hombre!"

Err...Juan. Good to see you.

Juan: "Listen, El Gado. You embarrased me
in front of my homies. and that aint cool.

Hmm...well, the way i see it, you were
tryin' to embarass ME.

Juan: "...and whats more, YOU'RE ON MY
TURF. i dont like no intruders. eh?!"

Err...yeah, 'eh'.

Juan: "How 'bout a nice little serving of
.'whoopass', eh, padre?!"

Thanks but no thanks. i got a date with
your mother.

Juan: "Ho ho ho. You funny fucker, eh? You
DEAD fuck now! heh..."
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

Oh hey, Juan's back. Remember the surly teen who said "fuck" in a classroom? Well, Johnny wastes no time in slamming his face into a wall.


For all the issues I may have with this game, I do absolutely love the dialog with the gangsta here.

Johnny goes on to show these teenage gang members what it's all for. A little animation plays of Johnny pacing back and forth and kicking Juan repeatedly.

  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •
After kicking him in the groin with your
steel-toed boot a few times, you cry out


Homie: "Err...you made an accordian of his


"...Whoa, man. That...
that was beautiful..."

Is that so?

Juan: "I...can't...feel...my...face..."
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

Johnny continues to beat up Juan until the player leaves the board.


And our next scene is in a club? I don't know why Johnny is here, but he is. The player won't get very far as one of the objects in the club runs directly towards Johnny, though for once not in a murderous rage. They just want to talk with him.

Steroid monkey
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •
Buff guy: "My God, Father! Am i glad to
see you."


Buff guy: "Listen, Father, could i ask you
a question?"


Buff guy: "Well, uhh...you see, my fiance
and i are getting married tomorrow night.
But she's thinking IMPURE THOUGHTS and
wants to have premarital sex. She says
that if she doesnt get it from someone
else. She's the green one in the far right
corner of the bar."

She's easy?

Buff guy: "No, she's drunk. Well, drunk
and easy."

ooh. bad combination.

Buff guy: "Tell me about it."
Buff guy: "Listen, Father. Here's fifty
bucks. Could you go and take her to a
hotel and make sure she doesnt do bad?"

yeah. I'll do her baaaaad.

Buff: "wha?"


Buff guy: "Oh, thank you! You know, its
the night before our wedding...i want
everything to be perfect. Oh, here's your
money. Good luck, Father!"

  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

Yes. It's going there. I am sorry.

drunken babe
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •
Hey, baby. What's your sign?

Drunken babe: "Err...you're a priesht."

No im not, baby! I'm really an undercover
cop dressed as a priest in order to
infiltrate the plot of a psychotic
religious murderer.

Drunken babe: "Arr?"

I mean...NO.

Drunken babe: "..."

So, umm...you got a name?

Drunken babe: "Yeah."

Which is...??


The drunken babe takes a shot of whiskey
and casts a vacant gaze at you.

So, ahh, err, uhm...wanna fuck?

Blondie: "Dance."

Beg your pardon?

Blondie: "There'sh a dance contesht goin'
on right now. the prize ish beer."

Well, then. Where's it taking place?

Blondie: "Right now! Let'sh go outshide
to my car and i'll shlip into shomething
more comfortartafortable."

  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

But first, Johnny must try and win some beer in a dance competition.


In this era before Dance Dance Revolution took off in the states, rhythm games meant Parappa The Rapper, and here the player is treated to a dancing minigame.


It goes on for a very long time. There is no music playing. There is no feedback. If you make 3 mistakes your rank drops. Your rank can never rise. It's very very bad.


I died quite often on this scene. I went as far as to write down the steps in advance so I wouldn't have to worry about reading the text and could just process it as up/down/left/right. The way the arrows are coded results in lag between pressing a direction on your keyboard and the game processing that you pressed that direction for the purposes of the engine. It is a nightmare and I absolutely had to cheat to skip it and I promise that if you play Teen Priest yourself, you will too.

The dialog for winning doesn't change much between the first two ranks, just the girl inviting you to her place to dance some more. The third rank has her invite you to her place so she can teach you how to dance better.


The scene shifts to the girl's apartment where Johnny is already in bed and waiting to take advantage of this drunk woman the night before her wedding, etc. etc.

So, I guess when I started this project there are some questions I didn't think to ask myself, like "How should I handle an art board where a woman's face is dripping with semen?" I'm going to go with a link to it since while I don't think anybody's job is in danger because of some white on gray normal/breakable walls, I'd prefer to not put that on people's screens without warning.

The Worlds of ZZT Twitter feed I now realize, is a ticking timebomb.


  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •
And what follows is best not menti...aww,
what the hell. SEX, SEX, and even MORE
SEX. Good job on keeping an eye out for
her. Does it reall matter, though...? That
buff guy should know better than to trust
a sadastic pervert as yourself.

hee hee. true 'dat.
  •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •    •

And so the day ends. This is the second game this series has covered that's included a rape scene! And like the previous, it's "softened" in a way by not occurring from direct physical violence, but instead by taking advantage of a drunk woman. Something easier for a community of teenage boys to not bat an eye at back in the day. For the second time we see the protagonist eager to capitalize on the situation, and while Johnny may or may not be intended to be seen as a good person by the player, I'd definitely say he's at the very least meant to be somebody the player roots for.

On a whim I took a quick glance at the game's sequel, because while I can recall Teen Priest 2 being controversial, I couldn't recall anything in it that would compare to this scene, in a game which didn't really have backlash against it. Spoilers: There is one in the sequel as well, but it's Johnny and played for laughs instead.

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